The Legends of Sir Joshua - Refurbished

The Legends of Sir Joshua

By The Power Pointer Brothers

Version 2.0

Once upon a time, 
In a fertile country lived a noble night, named Sir Joshua.  He received a letter from the king and queen requesting him to go to the castle.  As he journeyed to the castle on his noble stead, he ran into an old friend, Bartholomew Caswell.  He usually goes by the name Sir Chad.  Sir Chad was riding a donkey with his apprentice, Lancelot, following close behind.  Sir Chad had many years of schooling, for he had gone to Harvard with a man named Mr. Clark.  When Sir Chad saw Sir Joshua he said, "How are you doing my friend?  What Brings you this way?"

Sir Joshua replied with much apprehension saying, "What is the meaning of this?  I come all this way with no food or water and I don't even get a 'thanks'.  I pity you."

Sir Chad replied in astonishment, "Why art thou so grumpy my good friend?  I was just wondering where thou wert going."

Sir Joshua got very angry.  He turned around and shot Sir Chad in the back of the chin.  Lancelot stared at Sir Joshua with amazement.  Lancelot and Sir Chad were connected, like a rider and his dragon.  Because of this connection, Lancelot soon died.

As Sir Joshua was searching through the clothing of the two cadavers, a the fair princess Mary Jane rode towards him escorted by her royal guards. 

"I am the Princess Mary Jane, but I usually go by the name, Kings Men.  What about you?"

Sir Joshua looked into her eyes and fell madly in love with her.  He said, "I love you Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.  I have always wanted to say that."

Kings men suddenly passed gas saying, "Never let me eat Salt and Vinegar Chips Again.  It passes the gas like the kings Jester, Cosby, cracks jokes.  Let me see your Knight ID."

Sir Joshua handed the fair Kings Men his ID.

"It looks like you have to laminate it," Kings Men stated.

Sir Joshua quickly took out his trusty nickel and threw it at Kings men, killing her instantly.

One of the guards pulled out his light saber and force jumped off his stead, landing five feet away from Sir Joshua.  Luckily the guard did not know that this nickel had boomerang capabilities, and it came back killing him with the rest of the other royal guards, except for the one with false hopes of becoming the kings lawyer.

Sir Joshua looked through the princess's pockets and found a shopping list, which included: Ginger Ale, Beer Bubbles, and Double Bubble Cola.  The lawyer got very excited seeing the cola.  It was then that he reminisced of the time he had first had Flamethrower Burgers in LAW 101, at Boise State University.

As the lawyer and Sir Joshua talked, the lawyer revealed that the princess had a zygote in her system for nine days.  The Lawyer got a brilliant idea saying, "She is dead with this brilliantly placed Zygote free of charge.  All it is at this point is Embryonic Stem Cells.  It is my belief that if we were to harvest these for the future and sell them on the black market, we could make millions, which is equivalent to $100 in our days."

The lawyer offered a bag of Salt and Vinegar Chips, that were cooked in hydrogenated oil.

The Lawyer asked, "Could I be your squire?  I know many secrets of the land and would be willing to share my knowledge with you."

Sir Joshua said, "Yes, but you need a new name then.  I will call you Hydrogenation, Son of Razac."

Hydrogenation replied, "Thank you master, I know where we can get free copies of the video game Oblivion.  Shall I lead the way, or do you want to go somewhere else?"

"I do have an idea Hydrogenation.  You give me all your knowledge of the underworld and I will save your castle from a certain death.  I will save Padme's life.  That is an odd name for a castle.  Why did you name it that?"

Hydrogenation said, "My biceps hurt, but i really do not know why it is named that.  The underworld is easy to understand all you need to know is that everything is 42."

"All of a sudden it makes sense to me," Sir Joshua exclaimed.  "The number 42 is not the Meaning of Life.  For it is your age.  You have lied to Sir Joshua, Son of a Woman.  It is now that I realize that you have a sucky name.  Why did I call you that.  Some time in the future they will understand what a terrible name that is.  You shall fall under the curse of the lawyer.  From now on, the lawyer will be known as the scum of the earth.  And there is nothing you can do about it.  Now you shall die."

And so he did.  Josh hurried to the castle and said the password, "Four Letter Word."  The castle guards opened the gate to let Sir Joshua in.

The Kings men opened looked at Sir Joshua saying, "Hello though great and noble knight Sir Joshua.  This parchment is given thee to strengthen your armies and villages.  We have found thee worthy.  The parchment needs taken to a mountain of fire in the dark lands of Lord Rogers.  We give thee a query of journey.  Will you go out through the lands of the dark lord?  And, will you deliver the parchment to the depths of the flaming mountain?  If you choose not to you will be burned by the steaks."

Sir Joshua, "What type of steaks?"

The Kings Men replied, "New York."

Sir Joshua, "Oh, ok.  Well, I see that thou hast given me no choice.  I will go out and deliver the parchment to the fiery tongue of the mountain named Satin!"

Kings men, "Are you sure you are?"

Sir Joshua, "As my underwear says my name on them, YES."

Kings men, "That does not compute.  But there is some where else you need to go."

Sir Joshua, "Where else do i need to go?"

Kings men, "Washtin States!"

Sir Joshua got really mad.  There was not a state that went by this name.  There were no states at this time in history.  There would never be a place called Washtin, ever; past, present, or future.  Sir Joshua gave Kings Men the lazy eye.  In all of history, and history itself, there had never been given a more powerful and concentrated Lazy Eye.  A great wind came from the South picking up Sir Joshua as if he were a leaf.  He rose in the air 35 feet, when suddenly the whole castle turned into the city Bronx.

The guards turned into Vulcan, which was not very logical.  They picked up Sir Joshua and took him to their leader.  The leader of the city Bronx had an odd African named, Kaki Lambe, meaning Protector of the Harvest.  This disturbed Sir Joshua.  He wanted not to see this sight.  So, he started up a new, never before tried, laziest eye.  Something unexpected happened.  The wind came in from the North, not the south, picking him up an amazing 36.521 feet.  He turned into a magnificent Body Building Stud.  And the city of Bronx was wiped clear out of the third dimension to a forbidden area of the non-existent multi-verse.  There was a wide gap of nothing that would later be called Owasso, Oklahoma.

The nothingness was an Inheritance of a city called Orem, Utah.  Utah inherited it from some alien called Telituby.  But Sir Joshua did not care about this, for he left for Afghanistan.  He was on a quest to destroy the evil Osama Bin Laden.

As he reached the coast he looked for a ship in which to travel to Afghanistan.  There were none to be found.   He went to the city of Ricardo, the biggest port city in the Kingdom.  There he found a ship, The Lucy, which was captained by a man named Ricky.  The journey took five months.  Three days later they arrived in Afghanistan.  They were greeted by a welcoming committee named Al'queda.  They gave Sir Joshua three stones with many names.  These names were: Plant, Tree, Starry, and Fortify.  He took them proudly and ate the one named Fortify.  Something miraculous happened.  The stone that said Plant started shaking.  Sir Josh dropped the stone, and a huge talking tree grew from it.  

The tree spoke, "My name is the Great Kleenex, it have a quest for you.  If you succeed I will unlock the secrets of the other stones.  They will make you the strongest man in the multi-verse, and become a Wurm.  Will you take my quest on?"

Sir Joshua thought hardish.  It was a difficult thing to query.  He had never considered being a Wurm.  Just then, a squirrel fell out of the tree.  And he spoke, "You are the chosen one, yes.  You be well favored in mine eyes that do see glory.  You want to join me?  The answer is, Yes.  The tree can wait.  The life of a Wurm can be achieved in many ways."

Sir Joshua started to talk to himself, "Whoa, that squirrel just talked to me."

Squirrel, "Yes I did.  You are much bad at talking to yourself.  I can teach you the way."  He looked at Sir Joshua with much anticipation.  He had the eye of Jonathan.  It made him strong and convincing.

Sir Joshua, "Yes I will join you, Fred.  Whoa, how did I know your name?"

Fred, "I used the eye of Jonathan.  I teach you the way it work, say yes.  The eye of Jonathan is explained as this, it comes from drinking 5,000 cans of Dr. Pepper and eating acorns."

Sir Joshua, "Who did you drink 5,000 cans of Dr. Pepper?"

Fred, "I was inspired by the Wurms.  If one must become as they be, you must obey everything they tell.  Yes it is true, I have much indigestion.  But that is expected.  That tree there talks because of the toxic gases that pass through me."

"Wow, that sounds like fun.  But where, oh master, can I find this great supply of Dr. Pepper?"

"You first eat the green rock you hold there."

Sir Joshua ate the green rock.  His heart gave a jump.  He bent over and began to throw up.  After an hour he got back up, wiping his mouth.  He looked down at his barf to find Tiny, the Tyrannosaurus Rex.  Sir Joshua asked, "What on earth happened to me.  Where is the Dr. Pepper?"

Fred looked embarrassed, "Sorry, I am color blind.  You ate the Starry named one.  You must eat the next one.  Well, I am not sure much.  I would say that eating the rest of them be good."

"Whatever you say Fred," Sir Joshua stated.  He ate them proudly and began to jump up and down saying, "I need to relieve my bladder."

So Sir Joshua urinated on the big tree.  All of a sudden his urine started eating away at the tree until there was an opening large enough for him to walk into.  Fred said, "You have opened the way to the Trump Dr. Pepper Chamber.  We must both enter into the chamber, but be wary, there are many danger that await us in the chamber."

Sir Joshua said, "Whatever dude.  You know that I am unable to be killed.  If anything threatens me the author will kill them off."

"You need a girl, man."

They entered the trump hole.  Inside there was a large cavern.  They had never seen anything like it before.  The walls were covered in a thick slimy orange peel.  Sir Joshua walked over to the walls.  Fred cautioned him, "Be careful, the walls are not to be trusted."  Suddenly the walls started to move.  The orange peel started to gather into balls.  They became one large mass with no eyes.

"Its the Avatar!" Fred said to Sir Joshua.  "You must urinate to save yourself."

Sir Joshua started to work with his pants, "My zipper is stuck!"

"You don't have pants, kid!  Just do it," said Fred.

Sir Joshua said, "I thought I felt a draft in here."

Sir Joshua urinated on the Avatar.  The Avatar melted into a puddle of orange goo.  In the middle of the puddle there was a Timex watch.  Sir Joshua noticed this and walked towards the watch.  Fred yelled, "Don't do it kid, that puddle will turn you into an orange!"

Sir Joshua halted and as he turned around to talk to Fred he heard a gurgling sound.  The puddle was reforming into something, something unknown to Sir Joshua, a seductive female homo sapiens.

She was tall about the Author's Height, with long blond hair, sky blue eyes, and a figure any women would envy.  She opened her mouth and a weird gurgle sound emanated from it.  The sound then changed to the most seductive female voice, she said, "I am the keeper of the unlimited supply Dr. Pepper.  If you want it you will have to marry me, and give me children."

Suddenly a figure fell into the cavern, landing on all fours.  It was dark and covered with cockroaches.  It slowly crawled towards them.  The closer it got, the louder the chirping was.  It stopped ten feet away from them.  One of the legs broke out of its socket and lifted up forming an arm.  Another soon followed.  From the belly of the creature rose a distorted head with no face.  There were two bumps on the fore of the head.  They were getting bigger, and the skin stretched thin.  Soon the skin started to break to reveal two eyes.  More skin stretched and broke to make a nose and a mouth.  The hunch in the back started to shrink as the creature became more upright.  It looked somewhat human.  Hair started to sprout from the back and head.  The strands of hair braided together and wove to make clothing.  There it stood in a long silky brown robe.  It closed its eyes and took in a deep breath and roared.  When the last bit of breath was gone it opened its eyes, looking down at Sir Joshua, Fred, and the Keeper.

Sir Joshua and Fred spoke together, "It is the Dark Lord Rogers!"

Lord Rogers spoke in a deep voice, "I will Marry you, and make thee fertile with child."

The Keeper said, "I did not ask you, I hate you.  We have been enemies ever since you lost my Rubik Cube."

Lord Rogers said, "I never had your Rubik Cube, so I never lost it."

The Keeper looked at Fred saying, "So, will you marry me?"

Fred said, "Of course my darling.  I have loved you forever and the past, which will continue in future times."

"You have always had a way with words, my love."

Fred picked up a rock and placed it into his mouth.  He looked up to the Keeper and said, "For you, love, I will do anything."  He closed his eyes holding his arms out to his sides.  A low rumble commenced along with a bright green glow of Fred.  A cool blue fire immersed Fred.  The flames began to grow large and tall.  There was a bright flash and the fire was gone.  Fred held out his arm to the Keeper with his hand closed.  His fur had changed into a bright glowing gold.  He opened his hand that relieved a white gold raven ring embedded with diamonds.  "I will marry you, just as the gold ravens fly," Fred said.

The Keeper picked up the rings and said, "I will always love you, my darling Fred.  With this ring I thee wed."  As she placed the ring on her finger, she passed gas, and brown grass began to blossom.  And Fred got down to eat it.  Soon after there was a bright flash and Fred was human.  Only, he was still 11 inches tall.

He spoke saying, "I may be small, but my heart is large.  Metaphorical speaking."

Lord Rogers said, "I will make thee human size, if thou kills the dread Clown Food Face."

Fred said, "Where can I find him?"

Lord Rogers reply's "Say his name three times and he will appear."

Fred said Food Face three times and spaghetti fell from them the sky.  The spaghetti formed into Food Face the Clown.  Fred looked over at the dreaded Food Face, "Hello again Food Face."

Food Face, "Helloweh.  Weh shawl dwell."

"Dwell?"

"Dwell, you know, two peepeel faght to death."

"Duel, you mean.  Whatever.  You have never been able to speak well.  Well, it is time for me to kill you.  Then I will become beautiful like a man."  He closed his eyes and said, "I call upon the powers of the ancient rulers of Mosby Twins.  Akakatu!"

Food Face then fell into a plate of spaghetti.  The light went out and there was a strong circling wind.  A voice spoke, "Behold the holder of stones.  Fred."  The darkness cleared to reveal a beautiful old lady.

The Keeper spoke, "Fredisha, my love."  The two women embraced and kissed.  They then left to get married.

Sir Joshua, "That was disturbing."

All of a sudden the walls disappeared, revealing a huge refrigerator.  As Sir Joshua opened it he heard the a famous phrase from Rocky, "Astlela!"  Joshua looked in the fridge, there was a squirrel. The squirrel looked at Sir Joshua and said, "Hi, I'm Fred."

Sir Joshua yelled, "Why is the rum always gone?  You dumb squirrel, are you a lesbian too?"  He tore off the squirrel's head and ate it.  He put the rest of the body in his back pocked.  "Well, it is time for me to urinate again.  Where is the bathroom, I need to go to the gym?"

Lord Rogers said, "Use the refrigerator."

Sir Joshua did as Lord Rogers said.  All of a sudden 10,000 cans of Dr. Pepper appeared in the refrigerator.  An Oldsmobile pulled up with a good paint job.  "Ooooh, you are a dark lord aren't you.  You think you can out smart me with your temptations powers?  I am the trydarian.  Mind tricks don't work on me, only money.  No money, no parts, no deal.  And nobody else has a 314 Hyperdrive generator I promise you that.  You are evil, I call you Knight of Catan."

Lord Rogers replied, "I tried to make a deal with you but, I guess that you are too smart for my tricks, I am a Frisbee champ.  I will leave you here until you agree with my deal."  As Lord Rogers said this he disappeared along with everything else, except Sir Joshua."

Sir Joshua, "Lets see . . . Lord Rogers said this he . . . with everything . . . except me.  Uh, that was not in the script you Snicker Salad.  Go back and say the right lines."

Lord rogers then replied, "I tried to make a friend with you but, I guess you don't want to play with me.  I am not a Frisbee champ.  Why cant I make any friends?"

Sir Joshua, "Here is a friend."  He took out the headless body of the squirrel and gave it to Lord Rogers.

"Oh, Thank you so much.  My life is complete.  Is there anything I can do for you?  You have given me something that I cannot make up for."

"Well, you can THINK FAST!"  Just then the nickel, with boomerang capabilities came by and killed Osama Bin-laden.

"Thank you for killing my arch-rival Osama.  For this I consider you my friend," said Lord Rogers as he reappeared along with a fridge.

Just then Lord Rogers grabbed his chest and said, "Friends are forever, arteries aren't.  My heart is dying, and so am I.  Drink the Root Beer in the fridge to become a Wurm."  Lord Rogers fell to the ground dead as a door nail.  And then he was resurrected to his immortal Wurm body, which to this day nobody can describe.

Sir Joshua walked over to the camera man.  "What do we do now?" he asked.

The Camera man whispered to him, "It is time to go and join any Clique you want.  This will show that you are noble.  For, we are forever.  And when we go out to battle, it doesn't matter who we are against, because we will win.  We are on the authors side.  But, this does not make us weak.  We fight strong and hard.  Only when we are about to die are we saved.  For, it is the last days, we need not fear.  For Fear Factor is only a television show of the future.  We should concentrate and work on Feer Factor.  Together we can unite.  Together we can become one.  It is together that we prevail.  Now, who's with me?"

Sir Joshua yelled, "I am, all the way!"

"I expected more, but that is fine.  Now lets go to Disney Land, there we can start our resolve."

"Hold on, I'm thirsty.  I'll just have this root beer," Sir Joshua said as headed towards the fridge.  He popped the bottle cap, put it up to his lips and chugged the whole thing in on fell swoop.  He burped so loud the fridge broke into millions of pieces.  He felt his body changing, he felt like he could win any competition, even the toughest winter jump rope committees competition.  His body started to glow, and change into its Wurm form.  He felt like his organs were on fire, including his gonads.

Sir Joshua, "Whoa! I am a Wurm.  I did not know what to expect. -- Well duh, what did you expect? -- What is going on? -- You are a Wurm now -- I know -- You should know what a Wurm is like, why else would you study to become one and one -- What do you mean one and one? -- You are one, a Wurm, and one, for we all are one. -- I don't even know who I am talking to, where am I -- You are here and there, past and present and future, you are now and forever, you are infinite in all things ways and forms. -- So, when you say that I am one you mean -- I mean that we are one together, you are part of me, I am part of you, I am the leader of the Wurms, the Wurms speak as one voice -- Oh -- So are you ready? -- Yes."

The Wurms moved on in their life.  They went and conquered all that was peaceful and good, including rocky mountain oysters.  For whenever there was one pure soul, it would be taken into the Wurm and they became one.  But, as for the camera man.  He inherited a new name. 

"I am Cam, The Arignot!"

THE END